How to Start a Small Business

1. Come up with a good idea for a business.

2. Go out into a pumpkin patch with several books of poetry.

3. Stay up all night reading poetry by candlelight, dancing in circles, and laughing maniacally.

4. In the morning, go to the mayor of your town and say, "I'm ready to receive the secret of business."

5. Congratulations, you have successfully started a small business!

How to Make Snow

1. Look into a mirror and say, “Who do I think I am? God?”

2. Get a plastic water bottle. Realize this isn’t going to turn out the way you want. You should look into buying one of those machines they use to make snow for skiing. This parlor trick isn’t going to impress anybody.

3. Freeze the water bottle. You’ll probably make a joke about the movie Frozen because that’s the sort of person you are.

4. Cut off the bottom of the water bottle. Cut up the ice so that it is really small. That’s as close to snow as you are going to get, fuckface.

5. Congratulations, you have successfully made snow!

How to Change the Television Channel

1. Ask your roommate John to give you the remote.

2. When he says no, shout at him, “Holy fuck we have seen this exact Sportscenter already!”

3. In a rage, storm off to Best Buy and purchase your own goddamn TV. See if they have any deals on LCD screens but don’t let the guy upsell you. You don’t need to go all out on a spite television.

4. Drive back and set up your TV right next to John’s. That’ll fucking show him. Turn it on.

5. Using the remote hit the up or down channel arrows to change the channel. Maybe you want to watch Meerkat Manor.

6. Realize you don’t even want to watch TV anymore; it’s fucking ruined. Think you’ll use this energy in a productive way like running. Eat a bag of Dorritos and fall asleep.

7. Congratulations, you have successfully changed the television channel!