How to Start a Small Business

1. Come up with a good idea for a business.

2. Go out into a pumpkin patch with several books of poetry.

3. Stay up all night reading poetry by candlelight, dancing in circles, and laughing maniacally.

4. In the morning, go to the mayor of your town and say, "I'm ready to receive the secret of business."

5. Congratulations, you have successfully started a small business!

How to Make Snow

1. Look into a mirror and say, “Who do I think I am? God?”

2. Get a plastic water bottle. Realize this isn’t going to turn out the way you want. You should look into buying one of those machines they use to make snow for skiing. This parlor trick isn’t going to impress anybody.

3. Freeze the water bottle. You’ll probably make a joke about the movie Frozen because that’s the sort of person you are.

4. Cut off the bottom of the water bottle. Cut up the ice so that it is really small. That’s as close to snow as you are going to get, fuckface.

5. Congratulations, you have successfully made snow!

How to Change the Television Channel

1. Ask your roommate John to give you the remote.

2. When he says no, shout at him, “Holy fuck we have seen this exact Sportscenter already!”

3. In a rage, storm off to Best Buy and purchase your own goddamn TV. See if they have any deals on LCD screens but don’t let the guy upsell you. You don’t need to go all out on a spite television.

4. Drive back and set up your TV right next to John’s. That’ll fucking show him. Turn it on.

5. Using the remote hit the up or down channel arrows to change the channel. Maybe you want to watch Meerkat Manor.

6. Realize you don’t even want to watch TV anymore; it’s fucking ruined. Think you’ll use this energy in a productive way like running. Eat a bag of Dorritos and fall asleep.

7. Congratulations, you have successfully changed the television channel!

How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

1. This is a musical.

2. Do not take business advice from a musical.

3. Unless that musical is Cats.

4. In order to be successful in business you must cats.

5. Congratulations, you have successfully catsed!

How to Build a Table

1.     Acknowledge that you are not building a table, merely acting as a conduit for the form of tables to be actualized in some sense.

2.     Google “How to build a table” and click on a result that is not this.

3.     Begin to follow the instructions.

4.     Slowly let it dawn on you that you can’t build a table. Your wife was right this was so dumb. You’ve never been handy before why did you think now was a good time to start?

5.     Do not give in to pessimism. You may not be able to build a table, but goddamn it, you can escape this situation with dignity. By lying.

6.     Your wife won’t be home for hours. Drive to Ikea. Buy a table.

7.     Realize it looks too good, she’ll never believe you built it. You might not even be able to assemble it before she gets home.

8.     Return the table.

9.     Drive to a crafts fair.

10.  Look around for a table that looks poorly built but is still better than anything you could have done on your own you sorry sonofabitch.

11. That table the women is selling flower pots on looks perfect. Ask to buy it.

12.  It isn’t for sale. Offer to buy all the flower pots if she throws in the table.

13.  It’s going to be an extra $100 for the table. She can smell you are desperate. Agree and drive home quickly, you don’t have much time.

14.  Pretend to be hammering the table as your wife comes in.

15.  She admits she was wrong and you could do it. You aren’t worthless. Display the table prominently in your home.

16.  See it everyday and weep on the inside.

17.  Wonder, what if you are worthless?

18.  Congratulations, you have successfully built a table!

How to Be a Minimalist

How to Buy a Toyota Corolla

1. Sell your first book for several hundred thousand dollars. You had a charmed life but still managed to write gritty detective fiction as if you had grown up in Raymond Chandler’s nightmares. Brilliant.

2. Buy a Ford Mustang. God, you always loved that car for some reason. The cool kids used to have them and now you are one of them. You did it.

3. Marry that bitch Jennifer. You love her and it seems like she loves you. But don’t worry. It won’t last.

4. Sell your Mustang during the divorce. Of course, she won’t sell all those goddamn shoes she bought online while you were struggling to match the success of your debut novel.

5. Don’t even worry about transportation just yet. Tell yourself it’s actually a good thing that you had to sell your Mustang. Nothing is preventing you from sitting down and writing. Use everything you are feeling and write.

6. Despite the focus and emotion, fail. No one will like this book. Why isn’t it more like the last one? Why haven’t you gotten any better since the last one?

7. Settle for the job with the friend of your dad because, hey, you have to eat.

8. In order to get to this tomb of a job you are going to need a car. Your friend Barry who you don’t talk to as much since his wife is Jennifer’s best friend will take you to get the Corolla.

9. Congratulations, you have successfully bought a Toyota Corolla!