How to Build a Table

1.     Acknowledge that you are not building a table, merely acting as a conduit for the form of tables to be actualized in some sense.

2.     Google “How to build a table” and click on a result that is not this.

3.     Begin to follow the instructions.

4.     Slowly let it dawn on you that you can’t build a table. Your wife was right this was so dumb. You’ve never been handy before why did you think now was a good time to start?

5.     Do not give in to pessimism. You may not be able to build a table, but goddamn it, you can escape this situation with dignity. By lying.

6.     Your wife won’t be home for hours. Drive to Ikea. Buy a table.

7.     Realize it looks too good, she’ll never believe you built it. You might not even be able to assemble it before she gets home.

8.     Return the table.

9.     Drive to a crafts fair.

10.  Look around for a table that looks poorly built but is still better than anything you could have done on your own you sorry sonofabitch.

11. That table the women is selling flower pots on looks perfect. Ask to buy it.

12.  It isn’t for sale. Offer to buy all the flower pots if she throws in the table.

13.  It’s going to be an extra $100 for the table. She can smell you are desperate. Agree and drive home quickly, you don’t have much time.

14.  Pretend to be hammering the table as your wife comes in.

15.  She admits she was wrong and you could do it. You aren’t worthless. Display the table prominently in your home.

16.  See it everyday and weep on the inside.

17.  Wonder, what if you are worthless?

18.  Congratulations, you have successfully built a table!