1. Say to yourself, “Time to resume working on my resume!”
2. Laugh hysterically.
3. Don’t give up, you’re almost halfway there!
4. You must choose a professional font for your resume. This
isn’t the fucking Olympics. Times New Roman is the classic serif font, Arial is
among the most popular sans-serif fonts. Look up what that means so you don’t
sound like a total idiot. This will come up at job interviews.
5. Your font should be size 11 or 12. What’s the matter,
can’t fill a page with your accomplishments in such a small font? Why are you
even reading this right now? Who would want to hire you?
6. Create a heading. This section should contain your
contact information. No, no one will ever contact you. It is for appearances.
7. List your work
history in chronological or functional order, depending on the job for which
you are applying. Try not to get any tears on the keyboard.
8. For each listing you will want to provide your
accomplishments. Try to think of something.
9. Provide a section with your education including the
school, degree, and cumulative GPA, unless you were also a fuckup back then, in
which case… hopefully they won’t notice its missing?
10. Mention any specific skills you have that are relevant
to the job for which you are applying. Some examples of things never to
include: favorite foods, pants size, and facility at seizing the means of
production on behalf of the proletariat.
11. Don’t get your hopes up big guy.
12. Congratulations, you have successfully written a resume!
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