How to Tie a Tie

1. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and sigh. Say, “c’mon [INSERT FIRST NAME],

 you’re [INSERT AGE] and you can’t tie a tie? What is wrong with you?”

2. Regret going to public school.

3. There are many different types of tie knots including the double Windsor, the half Windsor, and the four-in-hand. You are going to be tying aThis-Looks-Bad-Because-I-Literally-Googled-How-to-Do-it-Five-Minutes-Ago knot.

4. Get the tie and put it around your neck. Realize you’re never going to be able to pull this off.

5. Tell whoever is waiting to take you to the wedding/funeral/trial that you’ll be ready in five minutes.

6. Sneak out the back door.

7. Think about which of your neighbors wear ties. Remember that you always see Tom from next door wearing a suit in the morning. Hope your never become something boring like an accountant or whatever Tom is but also pray that he is home.

8. Furiously bang on Tom’s door and when he answers beg him to tie your tie.

9. Sneak back into your house and play it cool. Spend the time traveling to the event reevaluating your entire life.

10. Congratulations you have successfully tied a tie!