How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

1. This is a musical.

2. Do not take business advice from a musical.

3. Unless that musical is Cats.

4. In order to be successful in business you must cats.

5. Congratulations, you have successfully catsed!

How to Build a Table

1.     Acknowledge that you are not building a table, merely acting as a conduit for the form of tables to be actualized in some sense.

2.     Google “How to build a table” and click on a result that is not this.

3.     Begin to follow the instructions.

4.     Slowly let it dawn on you that you can’t build a table. Your wife was right this was so dumb. You’ve never been handy before why did you think now was a good time to start?

5.     Do not give in to pessimism. You may not be able to build a table, but goddamn it, you can escape this situation with dignity. By lying.

6.     Your wife won’t be home for hours. Drive to Ikea. Buy a table.

7.     Realize it looks too good, she’ll never believe you built it. You might not even be able to assemble it before she gets home.

8.     Return the table.

9.     Drive to a crafts fair.

10.  Look around for a table that looks poorly built but is still better than anything you could have done on your own you sorry sonofabitch.

11. That table the women is selling flower pots on looks perfect. Ask to buy it.

12.  It isn’t for sale. Offer to buy all the flower pots if she throws in the table.

13.  It’s going to be an extra $100 for the table. She can smell you are desperate. Agree and drive home quickly, you don’t have much time.

14.  Pretend to be hammering the table as your wife comes in.

15.  She admits she was wrong and you could do it. You aren’t worthless. Display the table prominently in your home.

16.  See it everyday and weep on the inside.

17.  Wonder, what if you are worthless?

18.  Congratulations, you have successfully built a table!

How to Be a Minimalist

How to Buy a Toyota Corolla

1. Sell your first book for several hundred thousand dollars. You had a charmed life but still managed to write gritty detective fiction as if you had grown up in Raymond Chandler’s nightmares. Brilliant.

2. Buy a Ford Mustang. God, you always loved that car for some reason. The cool kids used to have them and now you are one of them. You did it.

3. Marry that bitch Jennifer. You love her and it seems like she loves you. But don’t worry. It won’t last.

4. Sell your Mustang during the divorce. Of course, she won’t sell all those goddamn shoes she bought online while you were struggling to match the success of your debut novel.

5. Don’t even worry about transportation just yet. Tell yourself it’s actually a good thing that you had to sell your Mustang. Nothing is preventing you from sitting down and writing. Use everything you are feeling and write.

6. Despite the focus and emotion, fail. No one will like this book. Why isn’t it more like the last one? Why haven’t you gotten any better since the last one?

7. Settle for the job with the friend of your dad because, hey, you have to eat.

8. In order to get to this tomb of a job you are going to need a car. Your friend Barry who you don’t talk to as much since his wife is Jennifer’s best friend will take you to get the Corolla.

9. Congratulations, you have successfully bought a Toyota Corolla!

How to Clean a Touch Screen

1. Choose a microfiber cloth. This is vital. You must have the highest quality cloth. If you are thinking about going cheap on the cloth, ask yourself: did Picasso buy low quality paintbrushes?

2. Turn the device off. The electricity might damage the alignment of the molecules of your amazing new cloth. Ask yourself: would Picasso paint a canvas that hadn’t been turned off?

3. In a series of small circles, wipe the entire screen. If the circles are too big, the Earth might explode. So be careful.

4. If necessary, SLIGHTLY dampen a COTTON cloth. Don’t you dare even think about moistening the microfiber cloth. Use only the finest distilled water. If possible take the water directly from a stream in Maine. Avoid New Hampshire water at all cost. Ask yourself: did Picasso ever fuck with New Hampshire? 

5. Go over any spots that need it again. Do not over rub. Do put too much pressure on the screen. Do not threaten the screen. Do not curse. Be nicer to your parents. 

6. Congratulations, you have successfully cleaned a touch screen!

How to Write a Resume

1. Say to yourself, “Time to resume working on my resume!”

2. Laugh hysterically.

3. Don’t give up, you’re almost halfway there!

4. You must choose a professional font for your resume. This isn’t the fucking Olympics. Times New Roman is the classic serif font, Arial is among the most popular sans-serif fonts. Look up what that means so you don’t sound like a total idiot. This will come up at job interviews.

5. Your font should be size 11 or 12. What’s the matter, can’t fill a page with your accomplishments in such a small font? Why are you even reading this right now? Who would want to hire you?

6. Create a heading. This section should contain your contact information. No, no one will ever contact you. It is for appearances.

 7. List your work history in chronological or functional order, depending on the job for which you are applying. Try not to get any tears on the keyboard.

8. For each listing you will want to provide your accomplishments. Try to think of something.

9. Provide a section with your education including the school, degree, and cumulative GPA, unless you were also a fuckup back then, in which case… hopefully they won’t notice its missing?

10. Mention any specific skills you have that are relevant to the job for which you are applying. Some examples of things never to include: favorite foods, pants size, and facility at seizing the means of production on behalf of the proletariat.

11. Don’t get your hopes up big guy.

12. Congratulations, you have successfully written a resume!